May 14, 2009

trying to swim to the surface for air

The grief sometimes gushes through me in the form of a tidal wave and sometimes in the form of bittersweet drops of memories. My eyes are always ready to cry. My heart is aching. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if the pain subsides I will begin to forget. I will not be able to remember. And then my best friend will be forever lost to me.

I can't get to the claring in the forest yet. I can't let the rays of light touch me. I just want to lay down and cry.

I thought I was all cried out during Eleni's 13 month struggle with stage IV Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Everytime I left the hospital, everytime I left her home, everytime I put down the receiver after our conversations... I would cry ...

tears of... anger.
hoping the doctors were wrong.
hoping for a scientific miracle.
hoping my friend would not suffer, would not know what was coming.

tears of... frustration.
43 years old. too young. too many things to do yet.

selfish tears.
what was I supposed to do without a best friend?
what would happen to me?
how would I go on?

My husband tells me I need to "come back" soon.
My mind knows he's right. I need to get a grip...
it's my heart that won't listen to anyone.

3 comments:

COSTANTINA said...

I'm so sorry, be strong girl.

EllasDevil said...

I wish there were some magic words that would help in some way but we know there are none.

Just know that people out there are thinking of you.

And we're right here when you're ready.

Anonymous said...

when youre ready,
.......=Z=